Fixing the spiral of depression
Fixing the spiral takes paper...and pain.
More pain? “Not interested” you say, as you go to close this page.
Yes. I am not going to tell you this will be easy. It’s going to be painful…and it’s the pain you’ve stopped yourself from going through, to protect yourself from it.
Our brains are designed to do that. And it’s what causes us to spiral down. And it’s the only way to fix the spiral.
And you’d do exactly the same damn thing in therapy, and pay lots of money to do it with someone – when you can do it yourself, free. Plus you’ve already lived through a lot of pain and survived….barely. Time to go through the rest – so you can thrive and see light and live again
We have to name it to remove it
Step 1: Finding and naming the pain.
The first step is to write down all the pain and traumas and lacks.
Using the Maslow’s triangle below, identify which you feel lacking or traumatized about – don’t write the reasons yet. Just identify the things.
Write one per line, as small as you can.
Step 2: Finding and naming the other pains.
The second step is to write down all the other worries, fears, pressures on you, who or what is putting them on you.
Write one per line, as small as you can.
It’s absolutely fine if you fill the page and need 2-3 papers. Don’t worry about them making sense or “are worthy” – if they are in your head, they exist and need to be written down.
Even your smallest worry needs to go here. You will not remember all you have and that’s fine – you can add more at any time! I recommend writing the exact name or thing – not the category.
For example:
14. Boss
15. CoworkerName1
16. Mom
17. ClassName – Paper Due tomorrow
Here are some bad examples, that needs breaking into real names and direct things.
14. Work
15. School
16. Friends
The feelings and weight is still there
Step 3: Assigning the items a weight number.
Identifying the amount of weight is possibly the most important step. It quantifies the pressure – which then makes it a weight you can take off with further steps.
So I want you to take your list of Lacks, Traumas, and Pains…and give each a stress number 1-10. However – this is NOT A RANK system. There is not one #10, and one of each number – you have too many for that!
Instead – think about each pain individually, and give each one their own 1-10 stress rating. Give a 1 for a light, barely there worry, and a 10 for “drowning, ready to tear your hair out” stressed.
#14 in our example above might be a medium worry and you give that a 4, whereas that #17 might be an insane stress and be a 10, right along with #16, Mom being also a 10 due to her being hospitalized from a heart attack last week.
Do not progress with this exercise until done with this step.
The feelings and weight, in perspective
Step 3: Count the 10s,
We’re going to put this into some perspective. People can handle up to five high-level stressors above an 8 or higher. A healthy, non-depressed (or recovered) person – has five or less stressors. Any more and they will start their own spiral down, slowly or quickly.
How many do you have at an eight or higher?
I’m going to hazard a guess that you have more than ten 8+ Lacks, Traumas and Pains.
Your depression makes sense.
Now to find a path to weight lifting
Step 5: What can you do about these?
I want you to go through your list and choose 2 items that you could do something to help take down the stress level of each by 2 points. Something you could do today, now, right when you get home in an hour, etc.
For example, the dishes are piled up. You could, tonight, do one load of dishes and that will take down your stress number by 2 points. Taking it from a 6 to a 4.
Do that for two items.
Just two items.
Doing the things
Step 5: Go. Now. Do.
Just focus on doing those two tasks. Come back to this when done – and continue from here.
I know it’s hard to get started. Focus on doing the two doable tasks and put the oppressive weight to the side as best as you can. The power is there. This is the first chance for it to start freeing up, like you’ve just put WD-40 on a rusty wheel.
*ADHD people – I know this is where executive function can stop you. Get a body double, or utilize any mental tricks you have to follow the dopamine…even if it means you doing two OTHER things you didn’t write down. Whatever works for you!
Celebrate. Treat. Do a happy thing.
Step 6: Give yourself a 5-10 minute treat!
After you do the tasks, I want you to celebrate and give yourself the silliest joyful dance you can do.
You have an inner child. Treat your inner child to a sweet. Say something positive to yourself – a pat on your own back, a few “great job” and such.
“Wait, why?” you ask “Is it really necessary?”
Yes. Because you did it while in the dark Marianas trench, with a million pounds of weight on you. You definitely deserve the treat and the positive words.
Good job!
Closest picture I have of me giving you a celebratory hug!
What's Next?
Step 7: Repeat from Step 5 once more if time allows. Then sleep.
If you can, write down two more things you can do now, and go do them.
Repeat the celebration that works for your inner child.
And once you’ve done the 4 tasks to take down stress points:
SLEEP. You have done enough. Even if you have free time. Even if you could do more. Chill with a game or a book for the rest of the day until you can sleep.
You should not endeavor to rid yourself of stress super fast. Doing so will actually make it a trauma on it’s own!
You’ve done well today, you’ve accomplished your goals. Have a good night’s sleep. Bookmark and come back tomorrow to finish this.
Re-Evaluate the Points
Step 8: Look at your points again...and see if they have gone down.
You know you can take down those 4 tasks by 2 points each at least…
But for the fun of it, really re-evaluate them from scratch.
Is that Dishes task, which was a 6, which you reduced to a 4…or is it now actually a 2?
Are the other tasks you’ve worked on quite a bit lower than you thought? How about the tasks you haven’t even touched?
Cross out the numbers if they have changed and put the new number….even if you haven’t worked on it yet.
Stress compounds…and it also breaks down just as quickly.
You'll soon find yourself seeing light. Not sunlight, but more light. A glimmer of hope.
Choose 2 more tasks, repeat.
Step 9: Repeat from Step 5 - exactly as yesterday.
Take 2 more tasks, write two things you can do NOW to take the stress down 2 points. Do this twice today. And no more.
Rest. Repeat from step 5 tomorrow.
You get the idea. Until they are lower in stressors, I recommend stopping here and just Doing The Things for a while, if you can commit to coming back and starting from this point.
This will work until you are left with far fewer stressors…but what about the Lack, Trauma, and Pains you cannot do anything about?
Well, here’s where this magic really starts working.
The more you de-stress from what you can do – the more your brain starts working again and you start seeing paths around and through the ones you can’t control.
Not always of course, traumas are not so easily fixed as doing the dishes. Nor are Lacks.
Traumas take evaluation, deconstruction, and processing. Lacks take building and striving for something.